It’s time you learned the truth.
Apple Pie
If
apple pie is your favorite pie, you’re basically an American hero. And
you’ll never have to prove it by doing a heroic act; people will just
know by seeing you eat the pie. In fact, if anyone sees you eating apple
pie they should thank you for being a true patriot.
Pumpkin Pie
If
pumpkin pie is your favorite, there’s a good chance you’re incredibly
good looking. Scientists have yet to figure out why, but attractive
people tend to gravitate toward pumpkin. People are walking by you
asking, “Who is that person shoving pumpkin pie into their mouth? Cuz
daaaaaaaayumn they look good.”
Pecan Pie
If
pecan pie is your favorite pie, it means you radiate an aura of joy to
those around you. If you’re in the room, eating pecan pie, other people
will be like, “What is this feeling? Is it gas? No… It’s joy!” And it’s
all because of you.
Cherry Pie
If
cherry pie is your favorite, it means you’re just a really good,
quality person. You should probably be put in a museum of awesome
people. But that would be kind of creepy, like a human zoo. I mean,
you’d be free to take breaks and leave the museum from time to time, but
you have a life to live. So, just keep eating cherry pie and let’s
never speak of this again.
Sugar Cream Pie
If
sugar cream pie is your favorite, it means you’re the kind of person
people just enjoy being around. And you don’t even have to try really
hard or shower them with falling dolla bills. In fact, most people would
probably rather hang out with you than get showered with falling dolla bills.
Sweet Potato Pie
If
sweet potato pie is your favorite pie, it means you have an incredible
inner strength. Your inner strength could rip a phone book in half or
punch a wild boar. You’re tough enough to put up with all the yahoos who
say, “Isn’t sweet potato pie basically the same thing as pumpkin pie?
What’s the point?” Your inner strength could end those fools.
Strawberry Rhubarb Pie
If
strawberry rhubarb is your favorite, it means you’re probably extremely
talented. You’re just naturally gifted like that squirrel that can
water-ski.
Coconut Cream Pie
If
coconut cream is your favorite, it means you make really good choices.
If you had two kids and you had to choose which one to keep for some
horrible reason, whatever you decided would absolutely be the right
choice.
Custard Pie
If
custard pie is your favorite, it means you’re a leader. A doer. An
eater of custard pie. A taker of no prisoners. You’re the kind of person
people want around when things go wrong with your firm, custardy,
egg-like presence.
Blueberry Pie
If
blueberry is your favorite, it means you’re a warm presence to anyone
you encounter. You’re like a giant, human cup of cocoa or a tiny, human
fireball.
Key Lime Pie
If
Key lime pie is your favorite, you can best be described as “fresh to
death.” You’re cool. Real cool. Ice cool. Pre-global warming cool.
Chocolate Cream Pie
If
chocolate cream pie, or any chocolate pie, is your favorite, that means
you possess a keen wisdom beyond your years. When fools step to you,
you immediately school them with your street smarts. The knowledge that
no dessert flavor can compete with chocolate is very powerful. Be
careful not to use it for evil.
Lemon Meringue Pie
Chess Pie
If
chess pie is your favorite, it means you keep it real. You’re not
walking around acting all fake, saying fake stuff like, “I love your
shoes!” Because those shoes are ugly and everyone knows it.
Banana Cream Pie
If
banana cream pie is your favorite, it means, without a doubt, you’re a
really genuine person. Your friends and family should probably have some
kind of certificate of authenticity for you. You may also share
qualities with the rapper Ginuwine, whose 1996 hit “Pony” will never be
forgotten.
Peach Pie
If peach pie is your favorite, it means one thing: You really know how to live. You just know.
You should teach a master class on just livin’. In Ja Rule’s 2001
single “Livin’ It Up,” he was talking about YOU specifically.
Blackberry Pie
If
blackberry pie is your favorite, it means you’re probably a really good
friend. Your friends are probably the luckiest people on earth because a
blackberry pie-loving friend is basically a 10 on the friend scale,
developed in the late 1800s by Sir Edward Friend to quantifiably measure
friendship.
Peanut Butter Pie
If
peanut butter is your favorite pie, there are two main things people
should know about how you live: 1. Large 2. In charge. Everyone else is
living these small-medium, not-in-charge lives while you take a bite of
peanut butter pie and say to yourself, “Yes, I CAN have it all.”
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